If I had known how difficult life would be at a Christian Boarding Academy, I might not have jumped in so readily.

I probably still would've jumped in (wholeheartedly!) but maybe not so readily.

I have a headache. And a heartache. And a bodyache. And a... I don't know. I feel like there is a cloud hanging over me, and it's hard to shake it off. I walked back from staff meeting tonight (9:30pm) and I was choking back some emotion. This time, I'm not going to blame it on PMS.

These kids get to me. All kids that I work with get to me.

Before I go further, please join me in prayer for a friend whose child is in surgery and might have... a few complications. Children who are sick devastate me.

Got a call today from a parent whose child has epilepsy... was a great learner until the fourth grade when she started having grand mal seizures. I want to be able to help. Need wisdom as to whether we can add her to the load.

Students are calling me and finding me for academic, spiritual, and emotional help. More than ever. Their worries, concerns, and burdens startle me. They struggle with so much and I love them so much.

Had to expel 3 students from school recently. It's torturous not knowing their future outside of our care. It is never easy.

Found out that a really respected co-worker has MS. She found out today. Monday is the one year anniversary of her daughter's death. She was in her mid 20's.

Staff member's parent has melanoma.

Another staff member is going to have chemo. Hair falling out scheduled in a week or so.

And here I am, feeling sorry for myself for being tired and overworked. It breaks me.

I am so tired of this world... it's spiraling downhill, and I am so desperate for Christ to come and give us peace and hope. Tonight, as I walked back, and smelled the promise of rain, I realized that our hope really can lie in nothing less. We can't afford anything less than divinity...

I also realized that I can wallow in my discouragement or I could rise up and meet the host of angels ready at our aid... but that is so difficult sometimes. But I choose A. I choose...

Something smells like fire... and it might be my desire to live.

No, it's not that bad. But I have to admit that I am tired. Exhausted, really. Cranky (that could be attributable to PMS, which is highly likely since "America the Beautiful" played on the organ almost made me cry today... as did an episode of Glee a few days ago when a cranky gym teacher is found to have a sister with special needs. Don't tell anyone, though. Tears are weakness.) I woke up late for work one morning and didn't feel an ounce bad about it.

...OK, maybe I felt, like, 4 ounces bad about it, but that didn't keep me from laughing about it and secretly being grateful for being able to "sleep in." I usually love going in to work. I've been sleep-deprived, partially because I'm up talking to graduates who want to "fill me in" on their knife-selling business at 10:45 at night. For 45 minutes.

I called out a student in class this week. I mean, called him OUT. Worst of all, WITH the intention of shutting him down and making him feel bad. For record, I have NEVER done that in the past... I was in control of myself, but I was definitely not holding myself back. I am trying to convince myself that I don't believe he deserved it. I am still now working on repentance... he SO deserved it though....... the carnal beast in me is taking FOREVER to die on this one. He's a rough one, though, even the students agree. Unusual case, maybe?

My patience is on... I am mixing up my metaphors here because I want to say "a shoestring," but I'm certain that's not the word. Ida is on the loose (the hurricane, not a student, or a rabid dog) which made this week really oppressive, which made my students that much more needy, which made them call out my name at LEAST (I mean it!) 5x more than normal. Which can explain why I'm going crazy.

Either all of the above is true, and happening at the same time, or... I'm burning out.

I'd much prefer the former option, even with all its necessary coincidences. I'm pretty certain I'm PMSing. Augh, the shackles of womanhood. Can I sell my uterus? Anyone? Anyone? Aaaaanyone?

In the midst of all this chaos, there is one constant. By now, ya'll should know what that is. (See? I used the word "ya'll." Do you have any OTHER explanation for this behavior?! And I'm shouting! Ranting, really. As much as I can in print, anyway. Somehow it's.... almost... as effective as the real vocalizations. Much quieter. Which brings me to remember that I have been on the ranting mood lately, which really doesn't happen that much, either. Or maybe it does and I only notice it when I'm PMSing. At this point, I am desperately hoping this is PMS. Help me, someone.)

Oh yes, I was talking about the Constant. I was talking to a student about this once... he liked math, so I was trying to talk to him from a mathematical perspective... though all the world around us (including ourselves) are variables, God is our One True. He is the Constant. The one that stays the same.... the one that can be relied upon to remain the same, no matter what equation He is plugged in to. He is the creator of the equation, of the balance, of the safety net, of all the padded rooms in our brains...

Anyhow. I should get going. I am remembering that I do love my students after all. Even "that one." Well, I might have to pray about that some more. But believe you me, I will. I will. Watch out, buddy...

Sigh. Or maybe it's not a bad thing to want a hand once in a while...

Thanksgiving Break is coming to save the day.........

or, Bumping Into Me in the Mirror

For some reason, I am thinking of the time I was in a department store years ago. I was pushing through some particularly cluttered aisle of clothes, looking for whoever I had come with, and in my struggle, I bumped into someone. "Oh, sorry!" I had said, apologetically. I turned around to meet my victim, and came face to face with... myself. I had backed into a mirror. (As a side note, I've done this with mannequins as well.)

It's been quiet lately. The good news is that as it gets darker earlier, I've also been coming home from work earlier. The days I come home before 7 are becoming more and more frequent, and some days I'm home before 6:30! Astounding and amazing! Will wonders ever cease?

The thought crossed my mind that everything I've wanted to blog about, I've already blogged about. It wasn't long until I dismissed that thought as preposterous. It's like how John ended his gospel. If all the acts of Jesus were to be recorded, it would fill the world.

And if I recorded all that He has done in my life, it too, would run over the volumes and volumes of bound books that would come out from under my hand, or perhaps in this digital age, jump over into gigabites and tetrabites, and whatever other kind of inflictions the jaws of my keyboard pounding could cause.

More to come. More to come.

Even so, Lord Jesus, come quickly....